pinch me..

The tests are getting darker!! I might have been that crazy lady who went to the store and spent $$$ on different pregnancy tests brands just to make it 100% certain.. We ended up telling my mom yesterday since she was involved in our IVF process. I knew she was sitting at home, as nervous as I was. So, we decided to record her reaction after we put Meatball in a Big Bro shirt. It was pretty priceless! Don't mind my non-showered appearance and my squeeky excited voice!!

Don't be mad at me..

I tested early. Damnit, I really tried hard not to!! But....

It was positive. I will test tomorrow to see if it gets darker! Please god let this be for real !

6dp3t

And I am dying to test!!!

But I know it is way to early for that. I feel like that little devil popped up on my shoulder overnight and is just begging me to go pee on a stick. But I won't.. I told Keith to hide the tests from me so I don't feel tempted, but they are still there. Yep, I checked! I need to hold on at least 2 more days.. Stay strong Sarah!! Stay strong!!

5dp3dt

No symptoms, no gut feeling, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wish I was one of those lucky girls who could feel "twinges" or "pulling" sensations in their uerus, but the only feeling I've had is the sharp pains in my left ovary. Probably because just one week ago they were the size of grapefuits and now their shrinking back to nothing. I wish I could fast forward time and know whether or not my babies made it. I've never been so nervous in my entire life! I told Keith the 2ww just isn't fair. Why can't my skin turn blue or pink to let me know these little one's implanted? I hate the silence!

I know the only way I can go about surviving the test results is to have a back up plan in case this fails. But, there isn't one. Keith starts training on Monday and it won't end until August, then he deploys in October. There's no time for us to do another IVF. We have thought about freezing his sperm so I could do it without him, but I'm not sure that's something I want to do. Maybe it will be, but I don't know. i just don't know if I would feel right trying to get pregnant without him involved. I'm sure we will discuss it more if it comes to that, but for right now, we might just take a long, LONG break. It sucks because I will be almost 27 by the time we would be able to try again. I keep hearing " You're 25! You have a great chance!" But that number will not be here forever. Each IVF might become harder. (Although I'm sure next time, the doctor won't drop my eggs on to the floor) Who knows what will happen.

I'm still hoping god here's my prayers and will let me keep these babies.

3dp3dt

You girls are so awesome! I woke up this morning to a bunch of beautiful sweet comments from yesterday's post and felt relieved and thankful that I have so many people (even strangers) routing for us. Next week will hopefully be the start of a new chapter in our lives, but it could also be the worst. Who knows what will happen, but no matter what that test shows, I am so thankful to be going through this with the man of my dreams. He is just flat out awesome and I know he will make the best dad when god decide's it's our time.

As far as updates are concerned, well there aren't really any. It's amazing how you go from 3-4 shots a day in your stomach, daily blood and ultrasound checks, surgery, transfer, and then poof.. your done. FIND SOMETHING TO DO TO FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS BECAUSE YOU WILL BE BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL START TO TURN BIPOLAR. Our doctor called us this morning to let us know our last embryo did not make it. It was a grade 2 so I was pretty surprised to hear it died before it even made it to a blastocyst. My original thought was "if that one died, how do I know the other one's inside of me are any good? My body is obviously failing me." But, I can't think that way. I need to just enjoy the time I have with my little embryos inside of me while I can. I know they are in there, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to check on how well they are doing. I have to leave that into god's hands. But I do hope he hears my pleas to let us keep them. Alright, well I'm off to bed. I figured sleeping 12-15 hours a day will be a great way to pass the time. :)

time has stopped..

3dp3t (3 days past a 3 day transfer)

I can't even find the words to write a damn update.  My mind has officially checked out! I am a nervous wreck to say the least. I am absolutely petrified that this won't work for us and that we will have to wait another year until Keith gets back from deployment to try again. I just want our babies to grow but I'm so scared they are not. Why can't I just be positive? This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

two week wait!

Well, all 3 of our embryos made it!! We had two high grade embryos  put back in this morning and they are waiting to see if the 3rd ones makes it to day 5 so we can freeze it.

And the craziness begins! Thank you all for your support! Now comes the hardest part.. The wait!!

just got the call.

Out of our 6 eggs:

5 were mature.

3 fertilized.

Were doing a 3 day transfer on Sunday. I'm hoping 2 of the embryos will make it until then! Please pray for us!

Update:

Thank you ladies for feeling my rage yesterday. I know you probably had to take a double take on what I had written, but it wasn't a joke. I wish it was.

 It's been almost 24 hours since egg retrieval, and I am still as angry and upset as I was when I received the news that a lab tech had *accidentally* knocked 3 of our eggs on to the floor (although they called me yesterday and told me one had survived which I don't believe). The amount of rage that went through my body was something I had never felt before, and I hope I never feel again. My mom said something like " that poor lab tech must feel awful." Honestly, I didn't give a shit how that lab tech felt. I hope he/she felt awful. I hope he/she wasn't able to sleep last night! But at the end of the day, he/she probably did sleep last night, and probably just went on his merry little way because he/she is not the one who has put their heart and soul into all of this. Those weren't their future babies that were just tossed out like garbage. That wasn't their $7000 they invested into this, so why would they care? I never even heard an apology from that person!

I don't know if I could ever go through this process again. IVF has destroyed my thought process and has taken over my life. I don't think I'm strong enough for all of this.

If this IVF fails, I WILL be taking action. I can't just let this go. I do think we deserve compensation for their huge mistake, especially now that we were given a 100% chance that we will have none to freeze by the end of this journey. Which would have been a HUGE money saver for us in case this fresh cycle doesn't work. But now that our back up plan is gone. If this doesn't work, we have to start the process completely over.

I still have hope in my heart that this will work for us and we will be pregnant in just a few days, but until I hear that we have a few good embryos (should find out this morning) I will not be able to relax.

And the results are...

We were told this morning they were expecting 15 eggs from us.

They retrieved 9 eggs this morning.

and dropped 3 on the floor.

So now we have 6.

My blood is boiling to say the least. I'm still speechless.

UPDATE!

Okay, apparently I need to just update at night so I know for sure what the hell I'm talking about.

Trigger shot is back on schedule! Tonight at 11:30pm. WOO HOO! Egg retrieval is still set for Thursday!

Spoke too soon!

Well, this morning's appointment did not go very well. I have about 30 follicles all around 15-20 which I was pretty happy about, but my estrogen is WAY too high. It doubled in 24 hours! Not cool ovaries, not cool! I was a hormonal mess this morning and couldn't keep back the tears as my doctor explained to me that my trigger might be pushed back until tomorrow until they can get my estrogen to come back down. I am bloated beyond belief, uncomfortable, tired from the 4:45am morning wake up calls, I'm covered in bruises, I'm just a big hormonal mess. My estrogen peaked at 2200 yesterday and if it makes it past 4000 today, well we are going to be delayed. The doctor seemed pretty confident that today will not be trigger day. I know one day may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. It means an extra day of shots ( I have to take extras to regulate my estrogen) and another day of being uncomfortable. And if you don't believe how bad IVF bloat is, well here's some snippets of my disgusting bloat over the past few days.

This was my bloat from yesterday. It looks awful!!! I am a size 4 by the way. 

My bloat from this morning. I honestly look 3 months pregnant. It's disgusting!! 

Day 9! Almost done with Stims!

Well, I have officially joined the high estrogen club. My numbers tripled over the span of a day, so I got the call the afternoon to stop the menopur all together. *Humph!* I'm not necessarily sure what this means, but I guess their afraid I might overstimulate. So tomorrow I'm headed to the pharmacy to pick up my antagon shot to hopefully bring my levels back down.  

Please god let this work out! I have another ultrasound in the morning to see how well my follicles are growing and will find out for sure if tomorrow night will be trigger night. Boy I hope so! I am done with shots and done carrying around what feels like a 10 pound weight around my waist!

But hey, I'm not going to lie. I am definitely enjoying this 2 week "diet free"vacation. I have definitely enjoyed my fair share of D.C. cupcakes! :)

Awesome news!

I went in this morning for my second ultrasound and there was 27 follicles!! My lining was measuring in at 11, which has never been that thick before so I was ecstatic to say the least!

My left ovary: 12, 13, 7, 8, 15, 12, 9, 10, 9, 17, 14, and 10mm

My right ovary: 13, 10, 8, 7, 10, 11, 14, 15, 13, 15, 13, 12, 11, and 9mm.

So for those who don't understand, they want the follicles to be around 18mm (they grow around 1mm to 2mm a day) before we do the trigger shot, so they are guesstimating that I have 2 days left of the stims. Which means retrieval should be Thursday! I'm so happy! Thank you lord for not putting me into panic mode right off the bat!

Day 7

Have I mentioned how much I adore Washington D.C.? I love this place more than I ever thought I would! Sure it's a little cold, but the condo were staying at is right next to everything! Meatball has a dog park to play at, tons of coffee shops, thrift stores, TARGET, five guys, the metro.. It's perfect! We've been staying pretty busy visiting all the museums and landmarks, but I'm starting to get to that really uncomfortable stage to where walking won't really be on my calendar for very much longer . My ovaries are so sore!! And my bloat is starting to make me look like I'm 3 months along.

Now for the girls who have been through IVF, is 15 follicles a good number or does that seem a little low? My clinic prefers around 15, but I feel like that seems a little low compared to other girls. I have another ultrasound tomorrow and I know that number will change, but the numbers game is officially getting to my head. I can't stop thinking about it! I know I know, don't borrow trouble. But I can't help it. IVF is officially consuming my mind!

First IVF Ultrasound

This morning I was a nervous wreck as I sat there waiting for the ultrasound, but luckily everything went great! I had 15 follicles, all measuring in about 8-11mm. My lining was at an 8 or 9, so the doctor said I have nothing to worry about. Everything looked great! So my dosage isn't changing, and I don't have to come back in until Sunday. This morning I noticed I'm starting to get to that uncomfortable stage, as the wand for the ultrasound machine was kind of painful! Just kind of feels like my period is on it's way or I had really rough sex last night, LOL!  Woo hoo! I finally feel like it's really happening!

Day 4 is done!

Wow, where does time go? I have officially done 4 evenings worth of shots! This morning I had my blood drawn and they were suppose to call me if they needed to change my dosage, but they never called. So I guess that's a good sign. :) I've actually been feeling pretty damn good. I haven't had any side effects yet except for some bloating (which I went to Target and bought maternity pants for. Definitely a MUST if you want your belly to have some stretching room) but no headaches or aches! Which I'm very thankful for. I know I'm only going to get more uncomfortable over the next week, but I'm very thankful to have made it to this point feeling great!

My next appointment is on Friday. I will have my first ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing! I will update you all when I can. Thank you everyone so much for your support. I'm happy to see some other girls on here going through IVF around the same time!

Family Troubles..

Yes, two posts in one day.. What can I say, I'm quite the talker today!!

So my sister has been calling me non-stop this week, complaining (and sometimes hysterically crying and screaming) about her husband and how much they fight. Apparently it's been getting really bad lately, bad enough to where her dash needs to be replaced because her husband bashed it in, with the kids in the back seat! They hardly even talk to each other, and I guess this has been going on for months.

My brother and his wife have been on the divorce path now for quite a few years now. She's currently 7 month pregnant with their second kid (she was going to have a second come hell or high water) and were just waiting for the two to split. My brother is incredibly mean to her, calling her fat and unattractive all the time, even in front of people!

My parents are divorced. Married 24 years. My dad fell off of his rocker and went crazy. You could tell they fell out of love years before their divorce though. They never kissed, hardly talked, there was just no passion between the two.

Keith's parents are divorced. A Nasty Nasty Nasty divorce! You can't put the two in the same room even though they have been divorced for about 15 years now.

Keith's sister had an affair on her husband (they have 2 young munchkins) and is now divorced, living with her boyfriend. Her husband never gave her any attention, so we kind of knew it was coming.

Now, the point of this post is, I may feel extremely bitter that everyone in our families can pops out kids like their going out of style, but I feel like were the only ones is a successful marriage. So in a way, I feel very fortunate. VERY! I keep reminding myself of that every day. Every night when I do my nightly prayer, I always remind myself how fortunate I am to have such a great partner in life. Honestly, it's the best gift I could have received. Infertility definitely built the bricks to a better foundation in our marriage and I am so grateful for that. I think if we hadn't had gone through this rough time, we would take so many things for granted. Instead we were given the opportunity to step back and realize what is REALLY important in life. Family, and just being there for each other when times get tough.

phew!!!

Well, my first set of shots are done.. And it wasn't that bad!! I heard Menopur stings like no other so I made sure to ice the area really well before it was injected. Which helped a ton, but that shit still stung! We decided to do Menopur first since it hurts the worst, and then do my other one's. My stomach is bruised from both the Menopur and Gonal-F, is that normal?

Geeze girls, I give you a round of applause for getting through this. I am trying to focus on the positive, but all of this can be so overwhelming! Today we are packing up the car and tomorrow we will be on our way to Washington D.C. I hope having my mom and Keith by my side will help me keep my emotions together, as I know a breakdown is going to be in the near future. My nerves are catching up with me!

I will keep you girls updated along the way!

and the verdict is..

RED!! well, reddish brown.. I love it!!

In other news, I received my first blogger gift today from Our roller coaster through IVF. Yep, I cried like a baby. A pair of lucky IVF socks, a gorgeous necklace, and a very sweet card! Thank you my dear! I love it!! 

Tomorrow is the start of our stim meds.. I am so ready for this to be done and over with! The lupron headaches are KILLING me!! But I'm trying to stay positive. These headaches will all be worth it :) 

Baseline appt

Well, we are back from D.C.! Longest 24 hour trip of my life, but that's okay. Anything for a baby, right?

Baseline went great! My lining was measuring in at 8mm and I had tons of Antral follicles so I was given the okay to start the stims on Sunday! They have me on 75 IU's of Gonal F and 1 vial of menopur, with the addition of 5 units of Lupron every night. Sorry to those who don't know the IVF lingo, but I'm pretty much starting out on the lowest doses possible since I'm considered in the "under 30" category.

Tuesday we are heading back up to D.C. to officially stay for 2 weeks! My next appointment will be on Wednesday. :) I will keep you all updated on our progress!