I need serious help!

I never in a million years thought pregnancy could be so hard.

I still can't figure out how to handle everything at this point. I went from spending years thinking I would never have kids, to expecting TWO babies at once and I feel SOO overwhelmed. Last night at dinner I blew up on my husband in a restaurant, crying hysterically as I told him that I am so tired of feeling depressed and sad. He asked me if there was anything he could do, and I told him no. I know it is killing him that he just can't "fix" my problems. I told him his 80 hour a week training which doesn't end until August mixed with my extreme fatigue and sickness has been overwhelming in this past week. I have no one to help take care of the house or help take care of my dog as I just want to lay in bed all day. And to think that I'm going to be having these babies alone without him by my side tears me up in side. I know we won't be able to be a family again until April 2013 and I just can't stop thinking about how am I going to survive this next year. I hope I am strong enough to do this all on my own.

Tomorrow my mom comes into town and I am praying for everything to turn around with the help of her company and guidance. My mom is kind of like the "emotional whisperer", she would make a killing at being a therapist. Almost anybody and everybody in my life goes to my mom for support and guidance, as she knows exactly what to say and how to make any situation a little better. I haven't seen her since she was here with us during our IVF process, so I'm very excited to see her again and hoping for that extra boost. Lord knows I need it right now! The last thing I want to do is live in depression during what should be the most exciting time in my life. We have decided this will be our one and only pregnancy (unless it's 2 girls) so I need to get my shit together. Something needs to change. So she is coming here to pick me up and we are driving back to Kansas City for a few weeks to see my entire family.

A few weeks with my family feels like absolute heaven right now. I know seeing my nieces and nephews will remind me again that everything will be ok, and babies aren't as scary as they seem in my head lately.

Weight gain

Holy Cow Batman.. I've already gained 10 pounds!!! My jaw almost dropped to the floor when I saw my weight at 138 today at my doctor's appointment! The only way I have been able to keep the sickness away is by eating.. eating.. eating.. I'm trying hard not to cram crap down my throat, but apparently I'm not doing a very good job! My doctor told me he wants me to gain around 25-35 pounds total by the end of this pregnancy.. Umm.. Ok.. That's not going to happen! LOL!

The babies are doing well. I had another ultrasound this morning and got to see them just kicking away! Friday is our 12 week mark, which means we are so close to the 2nd trimester. Yowza! Hopefully my belly will start growing so I don't just look like a fat kid anymore. Next week I am headed back to Kansas City to meet my with OB/GYN who will be delivering our babies while Keith is deployed! I chose the same doctor who delivered me and all of my siblings. I am very excited to see him again and to get a game plan going!

11 weeks!

Baby Butt's!! 

Wow... We actually are pregnant with 2 babies! I still am in shock. I just can't believe these little babies are just dancing away inside of me! 

The first round of genetic testing went fantastic. Both babies checked out to be low risk but we are still waiting on the blood results. I am just so happy to be here where we are today. It has made all the blood, sweat, and tears all SOO worth it.

I can smell the 2nd trimester!!

I'm almost 11 weeks along folks and I am already getting HUGE!! I've been measuring my waist once a week and I gained one whole inch in just 7 days. Crazy! I can feel myself starting to get better slowly (thank you JESUS!), even though I still threw up everything in my stomach last night. BUT I have been staying up later and later and the extreme exhaustion is just getting better each and every day. 

I wanted to send out a huge prayer for my girlfriends in my infertility community that are dealing with recently failed IVF's. We had 3 girls in my group experience a negative beta all in the same day. It makes me wonder all the time why I am the one who had success and these girls didn't. I don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be here where I am now, and I don't know how to get out of that rut and to just be happy for myself. I'm hoping that over time I will start the transition, but for now it's just too hard. 

In other news, Thursday is our BIG ultrasound! We should see babies on the screen instead of just blobs. I am so excited but nervous at the same time! 

Thank you Navy!

As of today, Keith and I officially have only 4 more days off together until.. well, April 2013. *sigh*

Keith starts a VERY difficult training course in 2 weeks that will keep him away from the home from 5am-10pm 7 days a week with NO days off. The school will be done at the end of August, with another training course to follow, which is then kicked off with a 6 month deployment (#3) starting in October. In the meantime, I am moving back home to live with my mom in July/August. I really hope he will get the chance to come back to Kansas City to see me and my growing belly one last time before he deploys, but his schedule is just looking way too packed at the moment. I am just devastated. I need my best friend in my life. He is already so attached to these Kiddos that it breaks my heart to even think about him not being apart of any of this, especially since this will probably be our one and only pregnancy. 

I know I am strong enough to get through this, but I just wish the cards wouldn't have played out this way. We called our doctor who was nice enough to squeeze us in another ultrasound next week so Keith could have one last chance to see our baby's before all of the craziness begins. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my sadness take over me over these next few weeks and just enjoy this family time that we do have. We will be registering for baby stuff next weekend so he can be apart of it, and we will just make it a very happy experience. :) 

Have I mentioned how much I love that man? As much as I HATE deployments, there is nothing better in this world than getting those goosebumps and that rush of falling head over heels for each other all over again at homecoming. I am addicted to that feeling and I cannot wait to feel like that blushing teenager all over again! 

bloat and babies..

It's official. I can no longer fit into any of my clothes! I went and bought that be-band thing from Target yesterday and that thing has been a lifesaver! I can now where my skinny jeans in comfort again.  I don't know if it's extreme bloat or babies growing at this point, but for 9 weeks, I feel so chubby! I can't even imagine how big I am going to get as the weeks progress. I have noticed my uterus area is starting to bulge a lot and the husband noticed it as well, but it just seems soo early!  

Other than that, the morning sickness is still kicking my ass. At this point it's hard to be excited at all about this pregnancy because I amway too busy worrying about throwing up and constantly feeling like garbage. I hardly even leave the house anymore! I'm just praying for a little bit of relief, as sometimes I feel like I am really going to lose it at any moment. I even went and saw a social worker at the hospital the other day because I am just having an awful time adjusting to this pregnancy. I cry all the time, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to be social, and sometimes I think to myself "what the hell did I get myself into." I wasn't sure if it was normal to be feeling this way, so I decided to seek help and I'm going to take full advantage of therapy. So I have another appointment in 3 weeks!  I need help now more than I ever have. That is something I never even thought about on our infertility journey! I know my old self would probably want to slap the person I have become and say get over it!!  But depression is not something we choose.   It's a bitch I tell ya!!  

%#^@&!!!!!!

I am so pissed right now, I can't even think straight!! I received this message from a "friend" of ours tonight (who by the way, is dealing with infertility as well) that said:

"Hey girl, how are you doing? I had a weird dream last night and just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm doing just fine! Don't freak me out! lol

"It wasn't about you specifically, but someone was 3 months pregnant- my dreams tend to be a little bit pyschic-I usually don't understand the meaning until a few days later when someone tells me something and I'm like, oh I had a dream about that!"

"Are you talking about the dreaded *M* word?"

"*sad face*"

Now, someone PLEASE back me up and let me know that it is okay to be royally pissed about this! From one infertile to another, we KNOW how the scare of a miscarriage is all too real and we are faced to think about it all the time. I just stopped my progesterone supplements about 5 days ago, and I have been a nervous wreck that something might happen now that I don't have that extra push of hormones in my system. She FREAKING knows about our IVF process and what it took for us to get here.

I know this girl who wrote this to me is just a very bitter girl to begin with, and it saddens me to think she would sink this low to try to *scare* me. That is just something you keep to yourself!! So, that pretty much just ended a friendship right then and there. YES, I AM THAT PISSED OFF!!

Fun times!

Just wanted to show off my baby splurge I got yesterday! 

I might have gone a little overboard and bought myself a Coach diaper bag. I will say I was under SEVERE peer pressure, as my girlfriend who is 7 months pregnant just got herself the same one in black and was dying to take me to the Coach Outlet up in Williamsburg to get myself one! I love it. It's so much cuter than the one's I've seen at Target or Babies R Us. Who says a momma can't be stylish? Plus, it was under $200! You can't beat that! 

By the way, the girlfriend I was talking about is actually our friends from Tampa who we haven't seen in over a year! They are both originally from Virginia Beach, so they came up here to have their baby shower with their family and friends before the baby is born in June. It was an amazing weekend, filled with lots of baby gifts and tons of shopping! 

I also bought our first cloth diaper last week. We made the decision that raising 2 babies at once is not going to be cheap, so anywhere that we can save a little money will be pretty helpful. Plus, cloth diapers are WAY too cute these days! I'm already excited to buy the next one!