some updates!

#1- I got a positive OPK yesterday on cd15. My body has returned to normal after all of those nasty fertility drugs!

#2- Surgery has been scheduled for May 16! My mom is flying in to be with us for the results. :)

#3- I got a text message from my mother the other day saying that she is paying for IVF if we have to go down that route. Holy smokes.. I cried like a big baby! Totally unexpected. She said she doesn't want us to stress about money on top of the emotional stress of it all. She's an angel!!

#4- The movers will be here on June 29!

#5- My husband's brother is coming into town this Saturday with his girlfriend for a whole week! Deep sea fishing, beach, drinks.. The 2ww will be less torture-ss since my mind will be occupied, thank goodness!

A much needed break..

Our next vacation is in the making ladies and gents!  Where to you say? Well, we were originally wanting to travel to Thailand, but with the threat of IVF being in our near future and the fact my husband has already been to Thailand (bastard!!), we decided on Costa Rica!! Were not quite sure when this trip will take place since we are on the military's schedule, but hopefully within the next year. The place I found for us to stay is absolutely breathtaking! I wanted to stay somewhere very remote, no t.v.'s, no cell phones, nothing that would remind us of the real world. I found this place called Lapa Rios Rainforest Ecolodge (pictures below) and as you can tell it just screams complete serenity.

If people want to keep telling us both that we need to relax in order to get pregnant, well.. There ya go! Vacation here we come! :) 

Let's be honest..

Well, our appointment with our fertility doctor was today. I spent 2 weeks excited for this appointment just to show up and be a big bundle of nerves, even though I wasn't even getting anything done! I guess I was just preparing myself for bad news, since typically these kind of appointments don't tend to go as well as I planned. I go in with hope, and leave with fear. Which is exactly what happened today.

We discussed with our doctor about the next step in our fertility journey, and I am so excited to say that we are now in line for laparoscopy/hysteroscopy! But since we had sex yesterday (TMI I know, haha! Mama needed to get some!), we have to wait until my next period in order to book the surgery. I guess I am a pro at waiting, so 3 weeks really isn't that bad.. okay okay, whatever I have to tell myself!! This sucks! Being impatient and dealing with infertility is the WORST combination in the world.

My doctor suspects that since every test we have had so far have been normal, that structurally there is probably something wrong with me. Chances are, he is right. When I suffered from Pelvic Inflammatory disease 6 years ago, I had a lot of adhesions on my tubes and a terrible infection in the inside of them. They cleaned them out as best as they could, but the reality is, 1 in 5 girls become infertile after suffering from PID. So the chances of him being right about my tubes are probably pretty good. If my tubes are jacked up, we will then be saving all of our money for IVF, and the dream of ever conceiving naturally will be out the window.. I guess we can't really jump to conclusions until after I have the surgery, but I need to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

Whatever happens, was meant to happen. 

whats up!

Well, it's been awhile since I updated! Nothing new has been going on really. We think we found a house to rent in Virginia Beach which is exciting! It's a cute 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house that's been completely renovated. It's kind of on the small side, but we are just over the moon that we won't have to deal with shitty neighbors anymore and we will finally get to have a garage and a backyard! Whoop whoop! We have always lived in apartments so it's time to move on up in the world and have a little bit more privacy for once.

Baby making news: started my Vitamin D3 pills last week which have made me feel so freakin DIZZY!! It's getting a little better, but those first few days were brutal, I could hardly see straight! I don't know if that's normal?? Maybe I'm just sensitive :)  Anywho, Thursday I have my consultation for laporoscopy which I'm very excited about! I don't think the surgery will happen until my next cycle starts, so in the meantime were going to try on our own. This is our first non-medicated cycle in months, so it will be interesting to see what my body decides to do. I started the opk's and I can already tell their getting pretty dark!

I hope everyone is doing well! I have a lot of blog update to read up tonight!!  :)

One thing I never knew...

Okay, for all of my infertility friends, I wanted to share some information with you that you may have never received from typical doctors. Last night at the meeting, I had a lady come up to me (who by the way is an acupuncturist) and told me she was interested in helping me get pregnant after hearing my story. She told me she wanted me to go home and stock up on Vitamin D3 and start taking 5,000 IU's of it a day. She said to trust her, and that she has been able to get many girls pregnant off of doing this.

A few months ago, I had a military doctor look over my blood work and they told me I was deficient in Vitamin D. The doctor kind of laughed about it and told me to sit out in the sun more often, and did not explain to me the importance of why we need this vitamin!! Here is what I found out when I came home last night: CLICK ON IT TO MAKE IT BIGGER!

Now, tell me how crazy that is that this acupuncturist knew that I was lacking Vitamin D without me even telling her!! I told my story about how I had pelvic inflammatory disease years ago from an unknown infection and she exactly what was going on. I am lacking Vitamin D and probably always have.

If you are dealing with infertility, this may just be something you will want to look in to. She told me most fertility doctors will NOT be looking at your vitamin D levels and that you need to ask to get it checked out.

No words.

Let me first start this post off by saying that I have never in my life cried in public before. EVER. I am not the crying type of person and just even the thought of people seeing me cry terrifies the shit out of me. But tonight....I sobbed like a big baby. Not only did I cry my eyes out, but I cried and held my tissue box as a room full of people were staring at me. It was a very powerful experience to say the least!

Tonight's support group was a turning point in my life. I met some insanely strong women who have been through so much, it makes my heart ache to even think about the journey's they have gone on just to bring a baby into their lives.  I watched these girls cry as they talked about the daily torture they go through financially, physically, and emotionally and it made me feel like I am FINALLY not alone. I am not the only person who is bitter about the girls who get knocked up while smoking crack, or the one's who can look at their husbands and get pregnant without an ounce of trouble. I finally realized that these inner demons inside of me are all too normal in the world of infertility.

One woman in particular touched my heart. As soon as the meeting was over and done with, we were just drawn to each other. We both hugged each other as we cried and cried and cried... and cried...

Oh man, what a night. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders after meeting all of the angels sent into my life tonight. Wow. 

the sun is shining!

I guess I should update and say Aunt Flo showed her ugly face yesterday. What a bitch!!

 The storm has finally passed, and I can once again breathe! It feels amazing! No more questioning every cramp and symptom thinking I might be pregnant, no more driving the husband crazy with the downward spiral of emotions, no more dealing with the daily disappointment of negative tests. I am myself again!

Tomorrow I am attending my very first Resolve Infertility support group meeting here in Tampa. I am so beyond excited to meet some other couples who are going through the same struggles as us. I have to say that strongest people I have ever met in my life are those who struggle with fertility problems. It's amazing the strength and determination they have for something others are handed so easily in life. I will always have a special place in my heart for the "silent" sufferers.

Well, goodnight everyone. Always count your blessings in life!

Some good news!

We are officially moving to Virginia Beach in June! AHHHH!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Tampa, but we are in desperate need of a fresh start. This move is perfect for us!

We were told awhile back to not expect orders until after October due to the lack of funds for PCS'ing, but we got the news on Saturday that we are officially on our way! once again, AHHHH!!  We now have 2 months to prepare, which means baby making plans might be on the back burner for awhile. I will still be getting the surgery at the end of this month, but after that, zilch/nada/no more until after were settled in and ready to start the process from where we left off.

Other than that, there's no other news. I'm still getting negative tests, but so far no period. I'm just patiently waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting..

Moving On..

I tested this morning after having yet another vivid pregnancy dream last night (3rd one this week),  and I still got a big fat negative. *Humph* My chances of being pregnant this month are now slim to none, so I'm picking up the pieces and moving on. Once my period starts, which should be here in the next few days, I will be calling my doctor and scheduling the laparoscopy surgery and hopefully some other tests. I was hoping I wouldn't have to make it to this point, but I'm becoming desperate and my patience is wearing very thin.

I just want it to be my DAMN turn!! I'm sick and tired of being surrounded by pregnant women who are on cloud 9 all of the time while my face is being smushed into the mud, being reminded over and over again that Im still here, at the bottom. I can't take it anymore. I can't listen to my parents talk about how exciting it is to be grandparents, when I can't even provide them a grandchild. It hurts. My heart is broken and I don't think the people closest to me understand what kind of toll this has taken on my mind and my body. I know they know I am sad about not being pregnant, but they don't understand how tremendous the pain is being an infertile. I live with fear every day that my dream of being a mom may just be a dream, and that I will always be the daughter, the sister, the wife, who can't provide a child. What is my purpose in life if I can't be a mom?

To anybody who read this, I'm sorry. I am just having an extremely tough time dealing with this disappointment this month. I spent 27 days being chipper and excited that this cycle was it, this was our turn, and then reality hit. I'm still here at home base. *sniffle*

Well wouldn't you know..

I woke up this morning (12 DPO) to yet another negative pregnancy test.

Just peachy. 

and the crazy hormone's begin..

The time is here. My poor husband!

I am now 9 days past our 3rd IUI, and this is the exact moment in my cycle that sadness and anger consumes me. When I start realizing I don't have any symptoms and I start seeing those damn negative pregnancy tests, my body just wants to shut down and I want to escape from it all. I can't handle the tremendous amount of disappointment and at any moment I will end up on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying my eyes out like a 2 year old who just got their sucker taken away from them. *sigh* I just don't know what I'm going to do if we have to face another failure. (besides heading to the nearest mexican restaurant so I can drown my sorrows in a pitcher of margaritas!) 

The next step in our journey will be laparascopy. I've been trying to talk to my doctor into doing this surgery since last summer, but it seems it was never on their "important things to do" list until now. I owe the fertility clinic close to $1500 for these past 3 IUI's and I don't feel like paying a dollar more until we can figure out why it's not happening. Unexplained infertility is not an option for me. If I'm infertile, I am not going to stop until we figure out why. 

But I'm hoping my instinct of being pregnant this month is right (it comes and goes, thanks to those wonderful hormones). I had a dream I got a positive pregnancy test the other night, and then last night I dreamed I had a baby. It was amazing!! 

scrumptious!!

Last weekend I wanted to make the boys a delicious breakfast after a long night out partying, and I figured pancakes were an easy fix that everyone loves. I have to say though, I have never in my life made homemade pancakes before so I was a little intimidated! But they were so easy and fantastic! I wanted to share this recipe that I found on food and wine's website: Just click on it to expand it!

The great thing about this recipe is that you probably already have all of the ingredients in your fridge (well probably not the buttermilk), but this ends up being a very inexpensive quick fix that would make anyone look like a pro!

Saturday afternoon..

I now see how all of you other bloggets have become addicted to blogging! It's not that I love to write (obviously, since I don't write everyday!), but I love to read and find inspiration from other people's writing. I really do think it's what got me out of the black hole I was in about 8 months ago! I was so obsessed and terrified about not having kids, I was becoming very depressed and hateful towards everything. In a way I was my own worst enemy, it's who I swore I would never be. Growing up I was known as the free spirit who was always positive and smiling. I drove my family bonkers because of how laid back I use to be, but I loved that about myself. I never did take life too seriously, and I still don't. So when I actually found something that actually got to my soul and made me bitter, I honestly didn't know how to deal with it. I have never felt that kind of emotional pain before, and even though I still feel it from time to time, I realize I'm wasting my life away by worrying about the "what if's". So I'm happy to say, I have officially learned how to enjoy life again! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and my heart is filled with joy.

Here are some pictures I will share of my life.

My husband and I when we first started dating. 2002

This is us back in 2005 when I met him in Hawaii when his ship pulled into Pearl Harbor during their deployment.

This is from our Europe trip back in 2009. 

This is us now during our "engagement" shoot. Even though our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in July!