I tested this morning after having yet another vivid pregnancy dream last night (3rd one this week), and I still got a big fat negative. *Humph* My chances of being pregnant this month are now slim to none, so I'm picking up the pieces and moving on. Once my period starts, which should be here in the next few days, I will be calling my doctor and scheduling the laparoscopy surgery and hopefully some other tests. I was hoping I wouldn't have to make it to this point, but I'm becoming desperate and my patience is wearing very thin.
I just want it to be my DAMN turn!! I'm sick and tired of being surrounded by pregnant women who are on cloud 9 all of the time while my face is being smushed into the mud, being reminded over and over again that Im still here, at the bottom. I can't take it anymore. I can't listen to my parents talk about how exciting it is to be grandparents, when I can't even provide them a grandchild. It hurts. My heart is broken and I don't think the people closest to me understand what kind of toll this has taken on my mind and my body. I know they know I am sad about not being pregnant, but they don't understand how tremendous the pain is being an infertile. I live with fear every day that my dream of being a mom may just be a dream, and that I will always be the daughter, the sister, the wife, who can't provide a child. What is my purpose in life if I can't be a mom?
To anybody who read this, I'm sorry. I am just having an extremely tough time dealing with this disappointment this month. I spent 27 days being chipper and excited that this cycle was it, this was our turn, and then reality hit. I'm still here at home base. *sniffle*
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THANK YOU for commenting! As strange as it is, I'm excited that I will have a "lap friend."
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. The only thing I can think of to say is that you WILL feel better, and you will get that hope back. Just give it time. No matter now many BFN's we see, they never get easier.
ReplyDeleteWhen you see your baby for the first time, you'll understand why you had to wait, and you'll see why it was worth it. That's what I tell myself when I'm having days like this...
(hugs)
Honey, I have empathy for you. I went off of one shot of depo privera in early 2004 and it wasn't until October 2008 that I conceived. We have gone on to have one child and loose two exactly 1 year a part, one via the laparoscopy procedure as it was stuck in the tube and one as the child stop growing.
ReplyDeleteI have also had a few friends go on and to the proceedure and conceive right away either way, I'm praying for you.