This is my meltdown/rant for the month!

I am devastated and heartbroken today.

One of my girlfriends here in Virginia Beach miscarried while we were gone on vacation (she became pregnant through IVF with donor eggs). I wanted this for her so badly, as I have never met a woman in my entire life who wanted a baby as bad as she did. When she first told me she was pregnant, I was ecstatic for her and her husband. I hadn't seen a smile on her face since the moment I met her, almost every time I saw her there was always a tear in her eye, but that day she was smiling from ear to ear. It was so refreshing to see her so happy!! So when I finally had the chance to catch up with her when we got back into town, I felt like my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. She was suppose to have her 8 week ultrasound done the day we left but she miscarried at home before she was even able to experience the happiness she should of had.

I will never understand why some women have to go through so much pain to receive what others are blessed with on a "drunken night" or an "accident" so the say. Infertility is so unfair and cruel, and I just wish I would not have to witness the pain it causes in couples day after day. I wish I was on this journey alone, and that no one else would ever have to endure the pain it causes. People don't realize how hard it is to survive in a world full of fertile people, always getting asked personal questions from strangers "Do you have any kids?" "Why don't you have kids yet?" or always having to see the pregnant girls constantly rubbing their bellies or talking on facebook about how "amazing being a mom is" and how "you never know true love until you have a child". I read that kind of *yada yada* shit on facebook constantly all day and it's exhausting. People carry on with life while infertile's feel left behind, stuck in a rut of anger/frustration/bitterness. We watch everyone else's children grow older and older as we are stuck in long, miserable, time consuming treatments that make us gain 20 lbs and most of the time gets us nowhere. It's awful. I hate this. I hate everything about the word "infertility".

I also hate how I have to survive infertility in a world of military families who pop out multiple babies by the age of 23. I'm considered the weird one for being 25 and being "childless". I feel like I'm looked at oddly by other military wives because were not a baby making factory!! And I'm sick and tired of being looked at by those who know about our struggle as the *poor pitiful girl who can't have children* and that's all they ever think of me as. The girl who is infertile. Great.  I don't want the pity card, and sometimes I wish I would have kept the people closest to me out of our business so I wouldn't constantly hear the "I'm so sorry you can't have kids. I can't even imagine. My kids mean the world to me and I can't imagine not having them" kind of talk.

Okay, end rant now. After seeing a few close friends go through so much pain lately, I am just feeling extra angry towards life right now.  I just want to see smile on their faces, and I know that won't happen until they have a baby in their hands. Dear god, just please let them have their happiness!!