struggling..

I was at dinner tonight with Keith and another couple (who had their 3 year old son with them) when I realized something. 

I will never in my life be able to relate with 'fertile' families. Honestly! I don't see how it could ever happen! All I kept thinking at dinner is, "This couple probably has no idea how hard it is to get pregnant for others." It's so terrible that I would even think that! I couldn't stop thinking that they were given the biggest gift in life so easily, and it's something I would/will never take for granted. God, that makes me sound like a lunatic doesn't it? Why do I do that to myself?? Watching the dad wrestle and play with his son in front of Keith just kind of put a dagger straight into my heart. I know it had to be hard on him, as I know the little leg grabs he was giving me under the table occasionally was his way of telling me that he was upset (normally it means he's horny, but not always.. haha!). It's so hard not to think that if we would have become pregnant when we "wanted to" just how it happens for everyone else, we would of had a 1+ year old sitting there with us today. Instead, we sit here empty handed and can't even pass the hurdle of becoming pregnant. It really sucks sometimes. I honestly don't go a day without thinking that this all just isn't fair.. 

Infertility is a struggle that I feel will never leave my life. I will always consider myself an infertile, and will never be able to relate to others who get pregnant whenever they want. I hope one day I will understand why we are going though this, but right now, right smack in the middle of this life changing disease, it's hard to think straight.. I'm happy one minute, sad the next, then extremely pissed off that we are stuck with this.. But I just need to keep looking ahead. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.