Dreams can suck it sometimes....
Last night I woke up at 3am, almost in tears. Why? I had a dream I took a pregnancy test, and it was the most beautiful positive I had ever seen. My sister grabbed the test from me and I started shaking, saying "Is this really it? I'm pregnant?! I'm really pregnant?!" She started hugging me and we immediately went to my mom to show her. I knew Keith was going to be home soon and I wanted to surprise him myself, so I told the girls to stay hush hush about it until I figured out a way to tell him. I remember when he got home that I was the happiest I had been in a long time, jumping up and down, smiling ear to ear. Obviously he knew something was going on because of the amount of excitement in my voice, but before I was able to tell him, my mom blurted out "SHE'S PREGNANT!" Keith's face just lit up and I could almost see tears coming from his eyes. He looked at me saying "Is this really true? Were pregnant?!!!!" It was the most beautiful moment in my life..
And then I woke up and started getting really excited. I'm now on CD37 and I have never had a 'positive pregnancy test' dream in my whole life, so I was thinking maybe, just maybe this was a sign.. So I decided to take a test this morning.
Still BFN...
And the anger and frustration is back..
I'm so exhausted of infertility. It eats away at my brain and it's the only thing I can think of, day and night. Everything revolves around it. When Keith and I first started TTC, we figured it was easiest for me to quit my crappy job and just focus on kids from that point on. Call me lucky, but we just figured I would be pregnant right away and life would go on.. But now a year and a half later, we decided it's time for me to go back to work. In a way I'm excited, but I'm also thinking about the pain in the ass it will be to juggle a new job and infertility treatments.. How do women with careers manage it all??
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Awww, what a beautiful dream. I've had those before..and it's just crushing to wake up from them. But I do believe it's a sign of things to come...
ReplyDeleteCome on AF..show up to the party already!!
Maybe work will be a nice distraction for you. IF can easily take over our lives so a new exciting project might give your mind a break, you know?
I agree with Amanda! (she is a smart girl!)
ReplyDeleteWork will help pass the time, not to say the working will be a cure all for you mind. But it will help.
We are all here for you - anytime!!!
HUGS!
PS: COME ON AF!!! Show up already, geeeesh!
I think work will be a welcome distraction for you, I find my job is!! :) Hope AF shows up for you already so you can just move on!
ReplyDeleteI find being at home alone all day, while B is at work,without anything to distract me, makes it worse. I've been without a period since MAY Second and still BFN. Hopefully work will disract you. I heard a song today that lifted my spirits. Walk on by Kellie Coffey. Hope it helps, even if it's just a little.
ReplyDeleteI've had that dream too :( Soooo crushing to wake up to a bfn reality :( I feel for ya. Working a full time job and juggling fertility treatments is tough...not gonna lie..but I can't imagine not doing both at the same time. I think I would be even more crazy than I am now...because I would constantly be thinking about baby-ness. I still think about it like 85% of the day at work, but you know what I mean :)
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