So, I have come to realize through my jealousy and bitterness in these past few weeks that I am an awful person. I am the first to admit it.
Last year I had a girlfriend of mine write me a message on facebook, telling me here and her husband couldn't get pregnant and she had heard from my sister that we were also having issues. They had been trying for 6 months, and she was officially in that freaking out mode that we all got to when we started to think "why isn't this happening?" We went back and forth many times talking about how great it was that we had each other for comfort while everyone else around us was getting pregnant. Next thing I knew, she was pregnant. I told her congrats, and I pretty much never heard from her again. Her daily facebook updates were the annoying ones that cut straight through an infertile's heart, "I am so beyond blessed to be able to experience pregnancy" "I just love being pregnant!" So eventually I blocked her updates just to save my own sanity. Well, she just gave birth the other day and I can't find the courage to tell her congrats. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just write the word "congrats" on her wall, but honestly I feel like she just left me in the dust and I think I am beyond hurt, but I won't admit it because I'm a coward. Maybe if there was just a small hint of "I'm still here for you" during her 9 months of pregnancy would have been nice, but there wasn't. It's as if I never existed.
Why has my jealousy issues creeped up so much since starting this IVF process? Is that normal? I feel like I have been so bitter towards other people's easy pregnancies that it makes me sick to my stomach to think I could have that much hate in my heart. It's not my personality, and it's soo hard for me to recognize myself these days.
A girlfriend of mine the other day (who has been trying for a baby for 7 years who just recently moved on to adoption) asked me to please never forget about her if I become pregnant. It's all too common in the infertility world! You're infertile, you find infertile friends, you get pregnant, you move on.. That has happened way too many times to her on her long journey to become a mom, and I don't want to do that to her. The lunch dates won't stop, the support won't stop, I will be there for her through thick and thin..
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Don't worry those feelings are normal :) Hugs..
ReplyDeleteThey are also normal! Maybe it's your friend that is scared and a coward-she couldn't face you and Hurt you after she got pregnant? No excuse to do it, but a lot of my fertile friends found it also hard to balance or how to act when they got pregnant knowing how hard we were fighting.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, right now, going through IVF don't worry about anything except you! This is your time to be selfish As heck and not worry about anyone else.
I think your feelings are normal. I know earlier last year I was speaking to one of two girls who were having issues and then as soon as they became pregnant they never even turned around to offer a word of comfort or an ear. Remember friendship, like most things is a two way street. Don't be too hard on yourself, your feelings are normal. One friend flat out said she didn't want to talk or be around me cause during her pregnancy she doesn't want to think of anything sad or negative?!?! Well I'm sure you could guess my reaction to that.
ReplyDeleteYou're going through IVF and you have every right to just look after yourself right now.
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