1 week away from IVF orientation. How do I feel? Well, I'm tired.
I want my life back, but I just can't seem to find it. I miss the person I was before infertility entered our world and consumed our lives.
At this point, I feel like backing out. I'm too freaked out by all of this. When I think about spending our savings on IVF or a vacation to somewhere remote and tropical, I would seriously choose the vacation. I know that probably makes no sense to those who have that strong desire for a baby (and believe me I do), but I'm honestly THAT scared. I would rather go on vacation where I can relax, and get away from the pain from it all and just enjoy my husband. I'm 25 years old and my life has been consumed by the desire for a baby for over 2 years now, and I'm just ready for this to end. I want to enjoy my mid-twenties, and not be consumed by something I can't have, yet. Before infertility, I was so young and carefree. My family would always say they were so proud of me for the life Keith and I created for ourselves. We travelled to Hawaii, San Francisco, Cancun, snowboarding in WA, Las Vegas, 3 week whirlwind trip to Europe, a Caribbean cruise, Miami, NYC, D.C., Key West.. I just miss it. My biggest worry was finding a great bikini or where to get the best Bloody Mary on the beach. Now my life is consumed by painful doctor visits that get us nowhere, and watching our savings dwindle over treatments that may or may not work. I just don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I keep thinking about how we are going to handle this if IVF doesn't work and I honestly don't know how to answer that. It scares the living daylights out of me to think about life after a failed IVF. What will we do? Move on? Adoption? Try again? Take a LONG needed break?
This is one of those months where I wish I would have spent the money for a therapist. Lord knows I need one!
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Oh girl, I know this is so tough. Because IT is scary and it's not guaranteed to work. However, that being said, if it DOES work and you guys truly in your hearts want a baby, it will be the sweetest thing you've ever experienced. You are young and do have time to "put off" IVF for awhile if travelling and stuff if what you guys want to do. So you do have time. Escaping to the beach for a week or two instead of doing IVF, is most definitely more relaxing and appealing. However when you return that pain and desire for a child will still be there when you get back. So it kind of just puts a temporary band aid on things. I know money doesnt grow on trees, but my advice to you would be to give this IVF your all come January. Put your everything into it. And pray that it works. If it doesnt, taking a long break with a vacation thrown in there would be nice! :) I don't blame you for being scared. But there are all kinds of good quotes out there about risk and reward :) Hang in there xo
ReplyDeleteI had those same pulls but realized it was me hiding from reality. Would I love a vacation-hell yea! But, as soon as I stepped on the plane to return the overwhelming sadness would envelope me again. I would the. Feel guilty about spending money on vacation instead of trying for a child. Hence our carefree travels and spending has ceased to exist.
ReplyDeleteThe fear of the unknown-will it work? What will happen if it doesn't? They are there and the answers may or may not be found out. You may ask those questions but not need to know the answers. You may be in the lucky 50% that it works for the first time!!
Sarah is right, you are young and if you have more travel in your heart do it! If not, jump and it will be okay either way. If it doesn't work the first time, I won't lie, it sucks. It hurts. But you will survive it. I have now twice and I never ever thought I would.
BUT, it could work and then all the baby wanting pain will be gone!!!
I totally feel where you're coming from. IVF is scary stuff! I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, I was so scared after my daughter died I didn't want to feel the hurt, I didn't want to feel for that matter...period. I dived into my career and traveled and had fun and then before you know it I'm in my mid 30s and the doctor is using the phrase "Advancing maternal age"?!?! When did that happen. Now I'm consumed with every twinge and change in my body, and I keep putting off IVF for hopes that some magic will happen even though medically we know it won't.
ReplyDeleteTrust and have faith. That's all you really can do that you only have to go through one treatment. I'm praying for you and standing in your corner supporting you. I have to agree with the others though, if in your heart you truly have more travel and living that you'd like to do, go for it.
It is very scary. I was absolutely terrified and so heartbroken that we were finally at the end of the road with treatments. I read something that kind of turned my outlook around. It said, "Don't look at IVF as the end of the road, the last resort. Look at it as the ultimate treatment." The helped put it into a better perspective for me. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteCould you know use a MFLC for counseling? When my DH was deployed last time I know I got 7 free counseling sessions and then my counselor could have put in a request to Tricare for more, but I didn't end up needing them.