I was overwhelmed with sadness yesterday. I don't know what hit me but by dinner time last night I was a complete mess! I went to bed crying, praying to god to please take our pain away from all of this. I cannot take the constant feeling of sadness in my soul anymore from infertility. I can't stop thinking about how we may never be parents and will always be surrounded by the talk of babies and pregnant couples without ever getting to experience it ourselves. It's so hard to swallow when I really think about what were missing out on. I try my hardest to stay positive, and be the strong girl I always have been, but it's so hard sometimes. I feel like we have accomplished everything in our lives so far that we've wanted to, and this is just something we can't accomplish. I'm watching my mid-twenties fly by and I feel like it's just being wasted away by sadness, confusion, anger, bitterness, and frustration. I just want my own family. I want to watch my husband be a father and play sports with his little ones, and I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant and carry a little one inside of me. I feel like we will always be the childless couple in a sea of military families who have multiple kids by the age of 23.. I just wish I could take a sneak peak into my future and know that this will not be forever, because right now, it feels like this nightmare will never end. My body has failed me!!!
On the flip side, we have about 3 vacations planned for this fall. Were hoping to head to Ireland, after seeing so many of you bloggers heading there lately! One of our really good friends is from Ireland and lived there for 20+ years, so she's definitely helping us plan this out.. Were also heading to NYC once the leaves start changing, then on the way home were heading to Jersey to stay with one of our friends, and then to DC to visit a few more friends before heading back to Virginia Beach. I'm also thinking of booking a bed and breakfast in Williamsburg for a romantic weekend getaway! Maybe this is what we need. We haven't been on a vacation since we went to Europe 2 years ago, so it's about time for some much needed romance!!
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I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. I know we've all been right where you are at some point. The good news is that it won't last forever. You'll be hopeful and happy again soon. And one day you'll wish you could go back to this time and tell yourself that everything will be ok because you'll have lots of babies :)
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling is completely normal. Sometimes I just wish I could know WHEN it will happen. Then I could just relax and enjoy life until that happy day. It's the not knowing that's the hardest.
I definitely think Ireland would be a perfect trip for you! I'll have to remember all my favorite spots to tell you about. Sounds like you have lots to look forward too in the coming months :)
Aww this post hurts my heart :( Because I know the EXACT feeling. I've cried myself to sleep plenty of times. Been to the lowest of lows and the to the highest of hopes. I know how it hurts a little extra too to be surrounded by ridiculously fertile military families. I remember feeling so alone when I was married to my ex. I was like the odd one out all the time because EVERYONE seemed to have a minivan full of babies. It was hard. I know it might sound annoying but theres no where to go but up from rock bottom. I know you will have your baby someday, somehow. It's just the waiting and not knowing when is what kills us. Hang in there girl. Those vacations you have planned sound heavenly!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh girlfriend, I know exactly how you feel. If I hear one more person complain about there pregnancy on FB and how they can't wait for it to be over, I might go insane. Sometimes, I want to respond "Bitch, I can't wait for my pregnancy to start." I guess people don't realize how lucky they are. I know one thing for sure, once we get pregnant we will cherish every minute regardless of the pain that comes with it. Try and stay positive. Despite all our problems, we are young and we will get there. I think a vacay sounds like a perfect idea. It will help keep your mind off IF and TTC.
ReplyDelete:( I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of these emotions that just don't ever seem to have an outlet. But don't forget about what your grandma told you. Babies are coming!. And you will love them so much more for the struggle. (grammas are never wrong)
ReplyDeleteoh, yeah i can definitely relate... especially to feeling like you are the only military wife without any children! the only childless couple we are friends with are only childless because they are not married yet. having people constantly ask you why you are still childless really sucks... my husband started telling people that he was waiting til he found his "forever" wife to have children - that i was only his practice wife. that shut them up for awhile :) lol
ReplyDeleteenjoy all those vacations you have planned, they sound great!! :)