I'm Struggling

The babies are finally taking a nap in their swings so I have a few minutes to write this before I have to get back to the daily grind.

Life has been a mixture of up's and down's, but unfortunately it's more downs than anything. I'm pretty much SOOO over this deployment that I don't even want to talk to my husband most of the time. That sounds so horrible and so unlike me, but I can't help but to hate that aspect of my life right now. We have been apart for 10 months  and we still have at least 3 to go. My husband's deployment is not like his last one's. He basically lives in a condo with two other dude's where they work 8 hours a day and then go about as they please. Which basically comes down to drinking and eating all you can eat steak dinners, going to the gym daily, and getting a full nights rest every f*$#ing night.  Mix that with a wife who has only had 6 hours of *interrupted* sleep over 2 days and you will find a not so pleasant woman.

I have no life. Yesterday was the first day I got out of the house in a long time and that was only to go get an estimate on my car after a lady smacked the back of it when she slid on the ice. I had to come home right after that and get back to these twin boys. .

I am a very VERY bitter woman these days. No one in my immediate family has any idea what I go through on a daily basis, and it kills me. For instance, my mom tells me yesterday that her and her husband are going out on a date tonight so they will be gone. When she sensed my jealousy  (especially since that man has more days off than anyone I have ever known) her response was "Well you should be happy for me! We never go on dates!" Ummm.. ok. He just had 3 entire weeks off for the holidays. He just went back to work last Thursday! And then she goes on to explain that they have only taken 2 vacations this year and that's just not normal for them. Sorry, I have no sympathy for you. I would kill for a single evening at home on the couch with my husband. But no, I get a few facebook messages a day from him and that's it. And then there is my dad who only calls me to tell me about the drama between him and his girlfriend, which comes down to *he doesn't get to see her more than a few times a week*. Oh and my sis, who tells me all of the time that she is stressed because her and her husband only get to see each other a few hours a day and that they never get to spend time together. Really? I feel as if people forget about what I am going through.

I'm just sick of it. I told my mom today that I will never move back to Kansas City ever again. Even though they are my family, I do not get the same kind of support that I do near a military base. My friends *GET IT*. I am now realizing after 8 years in the military community, that other military families is what I need during these tough times. Not the people who *think they know what we go through.*

And if you came to my blog because of my infertility, please don't get me wrong. These kids are the only thing that keep me going on a daily basis. They are a lot of hard work, but a lot of fun at the same time. It's just extremely hard when I am doing this on my own. And with that said, here are some recent pictures of my little hunks. Everett is the one on the left with the big cheesy smile while my sweet shy Andrew is on the right. They just turned 14 weeks today! Let the giggle's begin!

10 weeks!

These boys are growing fast. And I'm not ok with it. Well, except lack of sleep. I'm ok with saying goodbye to that. This girl is beyond tired!

So the boys were sleeping 3 hours in a row before getting up for a bottle feed, and then they would go straight back to bed. Well, lately, it has turned into every hour and a half! But no bottle! Oy vey. The fussiness during the middle of the night has caused me to become the biggest bitch around. I am looking forward to the day they start sleeping more! Until then, I will continue living off of coffee!

My chunky monkey's are almost 11 pounds each now. They are getting heavier by the day! They have finally started smiling, but mostly all of the smiles are in the morning. I've tried to catch it on camera, but they get distracted by my camera so yeah, epic fail every time. But my oh my, they are so cute. I look their emerging fat rolls! And I love how they can finally stare at me and try to engage in conversation. Their little noises crack me up!

It amazes me how completely different they are, but I love it. I always thought all babies are the same, but now I know I was completely wrong!

7 weeks!

Eh. I suck. I promised myself I would update this blog a ton when I had the boys, but obviously that hasn't been working out as well as I thought! Well, my two little men are obviously growing pretty fast! Both are over 9 pounds now. I love them so unbelievably much! Thankfully I was blessed with two pretty easy babies *knock on wood*. We've only had 2 nights were I ended up in tears from two overtired babies (not at the same time thank the lord!) but I learned my lesson. As soon as I see a yawn, it's bed time! I'm finding out I have a love/hate relationship with pacifiers. I wish Everett didn't have such an oral fixation! That kid is rooting all of the time! But of course, he gets a pacifier and then loses it after a minute. UGH! 

And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they slept almost 5 hours straight last night! But guess what? I was awake 2 hours into it waiting for them to start crying any minute like they normally do! BAH! I'm hoping they will do it again, but I think I just got lucky. But hey, if they want to keep it up, that is fine with me! 

Little Everett. He is still my wild child! 

Andrew.. Oh he is so sweet and cuddly!

Life Update

I'm having one of those evenings where I just flat out miss my husband terribly. We have been living apart for a total of 4 months now. :(

I just miss everything about him. His touch, his smile, the amazing affect he has to instantly make me the happiest woman on the planet just by being in my presence. I just miss it all. And it's hard. I always try to be this strong wife who can deal with the pain of her husband being away, but underneath it all, I am a complete mess.

The hardest thing is that my husband distances himself from me during deployments, and we have been having a tough time communicating lately. It's crazy how well we get along when were physically together but when were apart, it's almost impossible to even carry on a 5 minute conversation. You would think after all of the deployments we have been through, we would have figured out a system by now, but nope. It never gets easier. If anything, the older I get, the more I need him in my life and the harder military life becomes.

Now that we have 2 children, I just feel like I can't do this lifestyle anymore. I stare at my boys every day just thinking about how awful it must be for him to not be here for any of it. Instead he gets to look at them in pictures, and if were lucky, a 5 minute skype session a few times a week. I don't even know how I would be able to make it through the day knowing that I was thousand's of miles apart from my family and missing out on so much.

But at the same time, I am SO thankful to have a husband that is so selfless, that he would do this kind of job to support his family. He talks all of the time about how happy he is that we can save some money for the boy's college fund and plan all of these fun vacations. I see how he gives up his life to support his family and it warms my heart to know that he puts us first. He really does do all of this for us, and I couldn't be more proud to say that I have a husband with a heart of gold.

Okay, enough mushy husband talk. I've already listened to the song "Broken" by Seether a million times today, as my husband says he listens to that song all of the time as it reminds him of us. It brings tears to my eyes within the 30 seconds! Maybe I just need to take a nice bath, drink a beer, and call it a night! BUT.. not without an update:

Both boys are now over 8 pounds! They are quickly gaining fat rolls and have almost grown out of their newborn clothes. Andrew loves pacifiers/swings/stroking his hair/bath time but cries when he gets his diaper changed. Overall, he's a pretty easy going fella! Everett loves his Rock N Play Sleeper/bath time/SWADDLING! and hates pacifiers and swings. He is also a pretty easy going fella, but he still grunts like crazy! We are finally mastering the night time routine. Both boys get a bath, lotioned with massage, bottle, swaddled, and then they both sleep together in the Nap Nanny (highly recommend.. My boys immediately fall asleep once their heads hit it!). They sleep from about 7:00-11:00, feed, 11:30-2:30, feed, 3:00-6:00, feed, 6:00-9:00. feed. I know sooner or later they will be able to go longer than that, but I am just SOOO happy they both sleep between the feeds! So I still get some good chunks of sleep in the meantime. Hey, I will take whatever I can get!

5 weeks old!

Ahhh! My boys turn 5 weeks old today! It's weird because I have known these little nuggets forever. It's amazing how they enter your life and it just feels "right". I really don't know how to explain it!

Everett

Andrew

Life with twins is amazing. I have a lot of people saying comments like "I don't envy you!" But you know what? They should. Twins is the biggest BLESSING! Are they more work? Don't ask me, I don't know any different! One baby eats, the other one eats. One sleeps, the other one sleeps. Yes, we have had moments where one cries, falls asleep, and then the other one cries.. But I just look at that as our one on one bonding time. :) I find it so special to watch these two have their own little unique bond!  If they are fussy, I stick them in a boppy together and like magic, they immediately calm down. It's amazing the calming affect they have on each other!

*Almost 3 weeks old!*

Wow. I definitely understand why people say time flies when you have a baby(ies). It makes me so happy yet so sad to see them growing bigger and bigger everyday!

So, the boys graduated from the hospital nursery and were able to come home with me last Tuesday! So tomorrow will mark our very first week at home together. And let me say, it has been FANTASTIC! So much better than I ever imagined. People have a tendency to scare you when they find out you're expecting twins by telling you how hard it's going to be. Is it hard? Sure it is! You have two little lives to support! But is it worth it? Absolutely! Let me just say, I have never really been a big fan of newborns. They scare the crap out of me. But when it's your own child, it is COMPLETELY different. I can't stop kissing them. I can't stop staring at them. I love changing dirty diapers. I don't even mind it when they cry! I am just in awe at every little thing at this point. They are my world and the hard work is so enjoyable to me.

The boys definitely have their own personalities at this point. Andrew, my sweet sweet Andrew, is the quietest baby. He hardly cries unless he is naked, but any other time he is just the most mellow kid. His brother Everett on the other hand is completely opposite. He always, ALWAYS grunts, which makes everyone laugh. But he has definitely learned his voice. He cries a few times a day and it's mostly because the kid acts like he's been starved to death. Boy, does that kid love to eat! Which reminds me to add that they are both 2 ounces shy of being 6 pounds! They have both gained an entire pound in the 6 days they have been home. I'm pretty sure they will become chunky monkey's in no time!

skyping with daddy! 

Asleep in their crib 

Meatball LOVES his babies! He sits right next to them all day. 

Everett fell asleep like this. Haha! 

My boys are here!

What a whirlwind the past 9 days have been!!

I woke up the night of September 28th (the day I turned 34 weeks) feeling awful. I thought to myself that maybe this is when braxton hicks really start picking up because surprisingly, I haven't had many of them during this pregnancy. I woke up my mom at 3:30am after telling her that the BH's were coming in almost every 5 minutes, and that's when my mom was immediately out of bed and started racing to the door!

We arrived at the hospital and I was surprised to hear I was already 100% effaced and 1 and 1/2 cm dilated. Panic mode set in and all I was thinking about was "how in the heck do I get my husband home before he misses all of this!" So thankfully he was able to get his work to work out a deal to where he could come home a week earlier than expected, so he was on the next flight out.

An hour goes by and I was already at 3 cm.. We were all thinking, this is it! The boys were going to be here that day! BUT... that's the furthest we got. My doctor had the weekend off (isn't that how this always works?) and was not contactable so all of a sudden I was under the care of a doctor I knew nothing about. The next thing I know they were trying to stop my labor by giving me the turbutiline shot. Boy, I never in my life want to get that horrible drug again! Talk about feeling like your heart might explode! Well, the hospital decided to keep me admitted until my doctor came back to work on Monday so I sat there for almost 48 hours with contractions but no progression.

Fast forward to Monday, my doctor came in the room and gave me the option of breaking my water or going home to see how things would play out on their own, and that they would give me two rounds of steroid shots to give these boys the best chance possible if they did decide to make their presence a little early. So I went home and fought through what turned out to be 5 days of labor, and let me tell you, it was not fun! My contractions were non-stop around the clock, and it wasn't until Wednesday morning did I call my doctor up and said, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!"

So I arrived at the hospital Wednesday morning and I can't even begin to tell you how fast everything went from that point on. My doctor immediately came into my room, told me I was now dilated to a 5, and that they were breaking my water. By noon, the contractions had picked up to a new pain I had never experienced before, and we were on our way! By 2pm, I was already at a 6, so I was lucky enough to only experience a few hours of true hard labor before I received my epidural. Once I got the epidural (which took 2 tries because they missed the first time, talk about the worst pain in my entire life!) I was feeling amazing, and couldn't believe it when my doctor came in by 5:30pm, and said I was ready to rock and roll!

I was wheeled back to the OR with my husband and my mom. My feet were put into the stirrups, and I swear within minutes I was told I could start pushing. 4 pushes later, my beautiful baby Andrew was born at 6:12pm, weighing in at 4 lbs 11 oz. Immediately following him was baby brother Everett, born at 6:16pm weighing in a 4 lbs 8 oz. A total of 7 pushes between the both of them!

Andrew on the left, Everett on the right

Our first and only family picture!

And just like that, my world has been completely changed. Keith and I have never had bigger smiles on our faces! We just love them so incredibly much! And for being born at 34 weeks, they are doing FANTASTIC! The only thing they are struggling with is finding the energy to eat as much as they need to, so they are being tube fed for the last half of their meals (but sometimes they finish it all!) But breastfeeding has been successful which is a HUGE accomplishment for preemie babies. I'm just one proud momma! 

And as of yesterday afternoon, my husband is now officially gone until April. It will be so hard to enjoy these boys without him, but we will make it through!!