I'm having one of those days where I really feel like I'm not strong enough for any of this.
I'm going on day 5 of not hearing from Keith as he is in the final 2 weeks of training, and it has slowly been killing me. Distance is hard enough, but no communication is a freakin' killer! I just want to hear the words that he is ok damnit. I've got about 10 more days to go before I will hear from him again and I pray to god nothing happens between here and then.
The hardest thing about distance for me is being completely surrounded by couples. Living with my mom and her new husband can almost be nauseating at times (especially since he HAS to open the car door for my mom everywhere we go, as I am the big fat pregnant lady having to open up my own door. Yes, that is the hormonal side of me talking!) I just miss being touched and kissed. I miss feeling like I mean the world to someone. Here in Kansas City I just feel like a nuisance. I'm always just stuck as the third wheel to a couple. Whether it's my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, my dad and his girlfriend, and my mom and her husband; I'm just the pitiful girl who always tags along. Sitting there trying to eat my dinner while I watch them kiss and cuddle their spouses just makes me feel like the loneliest girl on the planet. When will it ever be my turn to get pampered? I feel like we went straight from IVF to his stupid training course and we have never had the time to even enjoy what should be the most amazing time in both of our lives. I almost feel like I have missed out on something I dreamed about for so long.
I know you are probably thinking I sound like a cry baby, and I completely agree. I know it's my hormones making everything 10x's worse, as this is my 3rd time moving back home with my family, and I never remember having such a tough time. Next week I will be hitting my 3rd trimester, and I just don't feel ready for these babies yet. Not until I can get the rest of my life together. My anxiety levels lately has gone through the roof as I know it's time now to start packing my hospital bags and to get the nursery done. I'm just not prepared for any of this. How can I bring 2 babies into this world when I don't have my own shit together?
Keith will be coming home though in hopefully 3 weeks for a week long vacation so I am hoping that little spurt of time will get me on the right path. His encouragement and help getting everything together should put me in a better place. There is so much to do!
On a lighter note, hopefully I will have a picture up of the homemade bedding my mom and I are making for the cribs by next week! I didn't want anything "baby"ish, so it will be a modern boy kind of look. Maybe this project will keep me occupied for the next 10 days so I'm not so freakin' sad all of the time! :)
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AW! I just want to hug you!!! No you do NOT sound like a cry baby. All this anxiety and feeling bummed is totally normal, with the situation you guys are in right now. I know it's hard. But you CAN DO THIS :) I sooo know you can. Those lil babies need you to be strong for awhile. And then you can have a breakdown when they're like 3 hahahah Just always remember you are NOT a nuisance to your family in friends! They love you. And Im sure they are over the moon excited for this twins to arrive! I mean honestly you are probably like the superstar of the family right now :) Just focus on the week coming up that you and your husband can spend together. Lots of love and cuddling!! xo Hang in there girl! You are doing great. And that the end of my pep talk. LOL. You're probably like "Thank GOD!" :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you sound like a cry baby. I think you have every right to feel upset. I would be if I was in your shoes! Let it all out, mama. This SHOULD be a happy, carefree time in your life, and it just sucks that it's not. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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